Preparing for a new journey

If any of you out there have ever gone on a journey to lose weight, you know how difficult it can be at times.  I feel you.  I’ve been on this journey many, many times.  I’ve taken different paths on the journey (Weight Watchers, Atkins, Slimfast, Keto, Whole30, Fast Metabolism and Doctor managed).  You get the picture.  Some have been more successful than others but ultimately, I end up right back where I started plus a few pounds. 

When I was growing up, my mom monitored everything that went in my mouth.  What I ate, how much I ate, when I ate was controlled by her and I never stopped to question why.  I did what I was told.  Then I joined the Army National Guard and again was told when, what and how much I could eat.  Then I went through it again when I joined the Air Force.  The difference with those two times was I was also working out quite a lot and was burning up all the calories I was consuming.  Then came the sedentary job and living on my own and being in control of what I ate.  That came with it’s own problems.  I ate things that I wasn’t allowed when I was younger.  I discovered sugar!  And boy was it awesome.  I also found alcohol and it’s calories.  Then I got pregnant and after that, it was a struggle to get the weight off. 

Once I left the Air Force to allow my now ex-husband to have his career and I was still working but raising our kids, things got harder and harder.  My ex was gone most of the time, I was essentially raising our three children on my own while trying to work a full time job.  I was exhausted.  I didn’t want to have to come home and cook a dinner for myself and three small kids.  Fast food became my best friend.  We would rotate through pizza hut, McDonald’s, Taco Bell and Burger King.  The scale went up and up.  Then when the ex was home, all I heard was how lazy I was, how stupid, how I never did anything right.  Then he was gone again for another 3-4 months.  As I sank further and further into depression, the more I turned to food as my comfort.  I gave up on myself.  I gave up on my house (ever watch hoarder’s?)  I loved my kids with my whole heart but I couldn’t do it all and still be there for them. 

When my marriage finally came to an end, my ex told me that one of the main reasons he was gone all the time (yes, he volunteered for all of those deployments, he wasn’t just sent) was he was embarrassed to be seen with me.  He didn’t want people to know that he was married to me.  I was FAT!!  He was disgusted.  Never mind the fact that he was the main cause for my depression and lack of faith in myself.  So, he left me for another woman that he felt was more his ideal of what a woman should be and look like.  Whatever.

At my heaviest, I weighed 300 pounds.  During my separation and divorce I lost over 100 pounds due to lack of eating at all and drinking myself stupid every night. I lost sight of myself and what life could be without him in it.  I wasn’t there for my kids when they needed me most.  Then he made one comment to me and I got angry.  Then I got stronger.  Then I was there for myself and my kids and waited for Karma to show up for him.  It did, eventually. 

I remarried a wonderful man.  Together we raised my three and his two and are now raising one of our granddaughters.  We both love food.  We love to eat.  I don’t drink.  He loves his beer.  I got comfortable again.  I got complacent.  The weight has come back, sometimes sneaky, sometimes with a vengeance.  I’m not back to 300 but I’m too close for comfort.  Menopause isn’t helping either.  I’ve also developed gastro issues.  I had four episodes of Diverticulitis in a year, the first one I actually had a perforation in my bowels.  All of that led to surgery last June and the removal of 18 inches of my lower intestines.  I’d already had my gallbladder removed years ago when I was close to my 300 pound self.  Now, I have to be careful what I eat because I find that things that I love, that are good for me to eat, make my stomach hurt.  Or not my stomach but my lower intestines.  I live with the constant fear that I’ll have to have more surgery, that this will never go away, that I’ll have more episodes. 

So, it’s time that I take a new path.  One that my best friend, Paula, has taken before me and has had amazing success with.  I’m so proud of her and all that she’s accomplished.  She’s going to help me on this new adventure and I can’t wait.  We always seem to have great success in any adventure we do together, whether it’s a 5K, 10K, half marathon and losing weight.  March is my Mindful month.  It’s the time I need to get my head right, get myself ready and to be able to hit the ground running in April.  Not literally though.  You’ll never see me running unless a zombie is after me, so……….

I’m going to document my journey here each month on the second week of the month.  I hope you’ll join me.  It may not always be pretty, but I’m sure you’ll laugh a few times.  Wish me luck!