Heart and Soul

My heart hurts and my soul is heavy.  These are things that I never like to feel or have to say, but this week, that’s the truth of things.  Being a parent, you want all the best things for your children.  You want them to have a better life than you, even if you have a pretty good one.  You want them to be successful, contributing members of society; to know right from wrong.  When they bless you with grandchildren, you want them to raise them to be good, honest kids like you raised your kids.  Sometimes, that happens.  And sometimes, they get lost in the weeds.

Eight and a half years ago, my youngest son (our middle son if you count mine and my stepkids) blessed our family with a granddaughter.  While we were waiting for her to arrive, he told us that he was having another child with another girl.  By this time I was emotionally drained and numb from all the escapades that my son was putting us through.  Some of it legal and now, two babies, born five months apart.  Our first granddaughter was born in August, but we didn’t meet her until she was four months old.  Why?  Because until that time, my son said he wasn’t the father.  Starting to sound like an episode of Jerry Springer?  Yeah, that’s how we felt.  The day we got the paternity test back showing he was 99.99998% the father, was the day after our granddaughter’s mother was killed in a car accident.  Telling my son that the mother of his child was dead was one of the most heartbreaking days in my life.  Watching him completely shatter at the news because they were trying to reconcile and he couldn’t imagine that she was now gone, unimaginably painful.  But, we had a granddaughter!  And she was perfect.  She was the spitting image of me at the same age and if we had only met her, I would have been able to tell my son that without a doubt, she was his.  More legal drama ensued, custody hearings were attended because the other grandmother wanted custody.  We know my son was in no position to raise a motherless child and the other grandfather (who was divorced from the grandmother) asked my son for custody.  Rights were signed away and legal battles were waged until the grandfather and his wife were finally able to adopt her.  They’ve become a huge part of our family now. 

Through all this, there was another little life about to join us.  Our second granddaughter, Destiny, was born in January, just five months after her sister.  I was there when she was born.  I got to hold her minutes later and the love and wonder I felt was only matched by the love and wonder that I felt when my own three were born.  We had such high hopes for these two young parents with all their dreams and promises.  But deep inside we knew, this little girl was going to need us to watch over her.  My son ended up in jail, not for his crimes but for not doing what he needed to do while on probation.  I put him there and the guilt of that will always be my burden to bear.  But, he has since been released, moved to another state, gotten married and is now raising two stepchildren.  My granddaughter’s mother?  Well, that’s another story.  And that’s where my hurting heart and heavy soul come from.  We’ve watched her go in and out of all sorts of relationships, with guys, with girls and now with a girl transitioning into a guy.  Some relationships weren’t too bad, some, like the one now, are just frightening to see.  Not because of the transitioning but the person in general.  Bad drugs, flop houses, homelessness, can’t keep a job.  It’s not an environment that I want my granddaughter to be a part of.  We ended up getting custody of Destiny 5 years ago after she and her mom lived with us for a year and mom couldn’t/wouldn’t hold a job, help around the house or take care of Destiny.  She would sneak people in and out of our home and stole from us.  We had enough and asked her to leave.  I filed for custody because I needed to be able to handle medical care, daycare, school, etc for Destiny.  It was only supposed to be a short term arrangement.  We’re five years in with no end in sight.  Mom still can’t keep a job, been arrested a couple of times, bounces like a ping pong ball between an abusive girl and a heroine addict wanna be guy.  She sees nothing wrong with exposing her daughter to these people, their way of life and having her witness the abusive one try to break her way into her other grandmothers house and have the cops called.  I just can’t live with that anymore.

I’m a very nice person.  I tolerate a lot from people.  I have tried so hard to be supportive and understanding.  I’ve asked for nothing from these parents of Destiny’s other than to keep her safe, love her and spend time with her.  What I get are lies, manipulation and total disrespect.  Well, as my daughter said to me last night, “it’s time for nice Karen to say bye-bye and bitchy Karen needs to rear her ugly head”.  I filed for child support this morning.  If you’re going to throw my kindness in my face and laugh like you’re getting over on me one more time, guess what?  My kindness goes away and I get serious.  The time has finally come where I say enough is enough.  Mom wants to tell me she can pay, well she can pay the state and suffer the consequences if she doesn’t.  For me, it’s not about the money, it’s about being the mom you keep telling me you are and have yet to prove.  My granddaughter deserves a mom that will be a mom.  That will love her and treasure her the way she deserves.  To stop treating her like she’s an afterthought, a burden or a possession that, although you don’t want her nobody else can have her either.  This little girl has the biggest heart and loves with her entire being.  She should receive the same back, no questions asked.  I love her so much my heart hurts and my soul is heavy to see her treated this way.  So, Nana Bear has come out of hibernation and she’s ready to protect her cub, no matter what.