Self Sabotage

On this journey of weight loss and healthy living, I’m finding that the voice in my head just doesn’t want to go away.  I constantly hear, “who are you kidding?  You know you can’t do this.  You can’t sustain this.” Most of the time, I can shut her up and prove her wrong.  But there are those moments where I just give in and eat that chocolate bar, have that ice cream.  It’s just easier.  There are days when I just don’t feel I have the strength to keep fighting…….with myself.  Who knew I was such a determined, strong willed bitch?  Not me. 

This leads me to self sabotage.  I lose a few pounds, I get excited, clothes are looser, I think “yay me!!  You go girl”.  And then that nasty bitch in my head says, “you’re not worth it.  You’re fat, you’ve always been fat and you’ll always be fat.”  Why won’t she just shut the hell up already?  I used to think that I could just power through this journey, just like I do with other things in my life.  I don’t train for my 5K, 10K, whatever K races.  I just get there in the morning, sort of stretch and power through.  Yes, I feel like I’m going to die at the end or can’t feel my feet or legs, but I finish.  I complete the journey.  I get my medal and I go home to soak my feet, put Neosporin and a band-aid on my blisters and continue on.  Why can’t I do the same with this journey?  The simple answer is that this is not a race, there is no defined end in sight.  This is a journey for the rest of my life.  Wow, that’s a lot to take in. 

Last night, as I was thinking about this issue and thinking about this blog post some questions breezed through the back of my mind.  I didn’t exactly reach out and grab them, but I heard them and their little whispers.  Am I too old to start this?  Isn’t it too late for me?  What am I trying to prove?  Is it really going to make a difference?  Some answers came quickly to me.  I’m only 58 (59 in a couple months), that’s not old.  I mean, if I can be an intern at 56 and graduate from that at 58, I’m not too old.   It’s never too late to get healthy.  I don’t think I’m trying to prove anything other than to myself that I can do this.  And yes, it will make a difference.  But those are all easy, surface answers.  If I dig deep, which I rarely do because it’s a dark and scary place there, the answers are harder.  So much of my life I’ve spent being overweight and hiding (as much as a big girl can hide) in the shadows.  I’ve been embarrassed of being so heavy and feeling the judgement of others.  Hell, hearing the judgement of others when they think I’m out of ear shot or they’re trying to whisper.  I hear you, dammit!!!  It’s those whispers that feed the bitch in my head and gives her strength.  Then I slip up and I’m back to square one again.  But, as long as I go back and then step forward again, that’s okay.  It’s when I go back and never leave that step that defeats me.  I have so much other crap going on in my life, why can’t this bitch cut me some slack and let this one thing, this one important, vital thing be easy.  Or if not easy, at least easier.  Why can’t she just go away and shut up???  Self-sabotage, she’s a soul crusher for sure.  She’s powered by Bitch Dust.