Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say, I’m just bursting with the words and can’t seem to get them out fast enough. Other times, like now, I feel like the words are escaping me, hiding away where I can’t get to them. But I’ll try my best.
So much is going on in my life right now. I feel like I’m standing in the middle of this great big storm with all this activity going on around me. Like I’m the eye of a hurricane but I have no control over anything. When I talk to Walter (my therapist) about this feeling, he says it’s because I am the center of our family, around which all things happen. That I am the glue that holds everything and everyone together. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I don’t want to be the center. I don’t want to be the “old wise one” that everyone comes to for words of wisdom or advice. I don’t even have my own crap together enough to be handing out advice to anyone else. I can’t even keep my house clean and neat, which I truly feel is a reflection of what is going on inside of me. I feel full of chaos and I don’t know where to find the calm. Kids struggling with their spouses, other kids facing having to find a new place to live, another wanting to reconnect with their children, another wanting to leave the nest and strike out on her own. Ailing parents that may need us to be there to care for them. All this and dealing with my own health struggles. Sometimes it’s just too much. I need the universe to cut me some slack.
I’m a firm believer in the power of the three. Whatever energy you put out into the universe is going to come back on you three times more. If you’re nasty or evil to someone, the universe will punish you three times as bad. But, if you’re good and kind to someone, then the same holds true. That good deed or kind action will come back to you three times as well. But sometimes I think that that energy makes you really work for it.
A while back I told you that I filed for child support. That hearing with Destiny’s mom is coming up next week. To say that things have been a bit awkward is an understatement. I never wanted to do this but I felt backed into a corner and I had to. This is an example of doing something bad to someone (Destiny’s mom being disrespectful and deceitful to me) and now it’s going to come back on her. Tomorrow she has her preliminary court hearing for her latest arrest for drug possession. I’m not sure what’s going to happen at the hearing, I’m not going this time, but I really hope she’s held accountable this time. I’m also not sure what’s going to happen at the hearing next week for support. I do know that Destiny’s mom plans to tell the judge that she has a very hard time finding and keeping a job due to extreme anxiety and plans to ask the judge for advice on how to get on disability. I promise to try very hard not to laugh out loud if she does go through with that. She’s told me in the past, and most recently told her mom, that she really doesn’t want to work. She doesn’t like to have to work all the time. She just wants to find someone that will pay all her bills, let her do whatever she wants, when she wants and take care of everything. I think we’d all like to find someone like that, but it’s a fantasy. She wants a sugar daddy and believe me, she is not sugar daddy material. No man who has the kind of money she’s looking for wants someone like her. She’s lazy. Pure and simple. And she’s still stuck in that high school mentality and immaturity. So, we’ll see what happens next week. And tomorrow. Should be interesting. I just hope the universe can see into my heart and know that I truly mean well and the things I do are for the right reasons. I just want this beautiful little girl to be treated like the precious gift she is. I would lay down my life for her. But right now, it’s my peace of mind, well being and soul that are being tested……..again. And that’s okay. For her, for any of my kids or grandkids, that’s okay. I’d walk through fire for them. That’s a Nana’s love for her babies.
Kaz's Korner 