I’m fluffy. I make no excuses, I’m fat. I’ve been fat for most of my adult life. Once my first child was born, I just couldn’t seem to get the weight off. I got most of it off, but not all of it. Then I had my second child. She was an easy pregnancy, I ate healthy and lost all the weight I gained with her after delivery. Then I had my third child. I didn’t want a third child but we had an oops. He’s a good oops and I don’t regret for a moment that he happened. However, I gained weight, again and after he was born, I just couldn’t seem to get it off. It didn’t help that we lived in a little town outside of Anchorage, 40 minutes away from my work. By the time I would pick up the kids and get home after work, I was exhausted and the last thing I wanted to do was cook dinner. My husband at the time was in the Air Force and would go on one temporary duty assignment after the other. I was home, alone, with three kids under 5 (at first), worked full time and had to maintain a house, cars, kids, yard, etc. I know I’m not the only woman this happens or happened to, but it wore me out. Pile on top of that, my husband felt that I could do nothing right. The house was ever clean enough, the kids were always bothering him and I was too stupid to handle money correctly. Never for a moment did he take responsibility for the fact that he was always gone and while gone spent money on all sorts of things, using the money I needed back home to pay bills. With all of this going on, I spiraled into depression. I used food to console myself. I ate my feelings and the weight piled on. At the end of our marriage, my ex-husband told me that one of the reasons he wanted to be with someone else was because of my weight. He was embarrassed to be seen with me or to have people know that I was his fat wife. He wanted a trophy wife, I guess. Too bad he’s not the kind of guy to get a trophy wife.
Fast forward a few years (okay, quite a few) and I’m still fluffy. In 2019-20 I was on a weight loss roll. I was on a new program with a doctor. I started a new job. I was traveling quite a bit for training. I was in an internship group with a bunch of people that were the ages of my kids. I felt I had to keep up. In order to do that, I had to get this weight off. Oh, I told people I was doing it for my health, for my family, to keep up with my granddaughter. In truth, I was doing it for vanity. To fit in. To keep up with the young ones. Then in March of 2020 a little thing called Covid 19 showed up, uninvited and turned my world upside down. Hell, it turned all of our lives upside down. We were told to work from home. At first this was great. It was only supposed to be for three weeks. Kids were sent home to learn from there……only for three weeks. Well, three weeks turned into two months, then three, then the rest of the school year. I went from staying on program and continuing to lose to stress eating. I was stuck in the house with easy access to all the things that I had here for everyone else that I normally don’t eat. The 45 pounds I had lost started to creep back on. Now, almost a year later, I’ve gained back 30 pounds and my frustration is at it’s peak. I can’t quite figure out what to do. I’ve tried everything I could think of. I’ve read everything and nothing is sticking with me, except the weight.
So, I’m going to try……again. But with purpose. I’m going to actually schedule in time to walk, time to dance, meals to eat (and what not to eat), fill my water bottle and fill it again when it’s empty. I’m going to prepare for the 5K virtual race that I’m doing with my best friend Paula in April and the Mudgirl 5K obstacle course we’re doing in May. I’m going to blog about my journey the second week of every month. I’ll let you know about my successes and my failures. Remember along with me, this is a marathon, not a sprint. I need to be kind to myself. Understand that there are going to be days or weeks where I’ll feel like nothing is going right. And celebrate with things are going right. Celebrate the little successes so that the back slides won’t feel quite as bad. Thanks for taking this journey with me.
Kaz's Korner 